Patterns & Purpose


Patterns & Purpose

My tattoo is a yogic symbol: a Sri Yantra.

Yantras are symbols that are used in meditation to help focus the mind into clarity.

That’s why it’s on the top of my foot, so I can stare at it.

This is a visual representation of the sacred sound of ohm (aum). It is symbolic of the entire cosmos. The 4 upward facing triangles represent the masculine, and the 5 downward facing triangles represent the feminine. Together they represent the resolution of opposites, of duality.

In other words, it is a pattern that symbolises wholeness, or universal consciousness.

Pattern recognition is the work of the sixth chakra. It’s how you recognise your friend from a distance, before you can see their face, how you know when a fruit is past ripe, and the right time to merge when driving. Each time we recognise a pattern, we move toward wholeness. Patterns reveal the identity of a thing - what it is, what it is for, and how to relate to it. Once we recognize a pattern, we can intuit what it will become, and guide our actions accordingly. This is the beginning of wisdom.

As we see more and more of ourselves, we see more deeply into people and situations around us. Opening the third eye, developing the 6th chakra, allows us to see the big picture, transcend our ego-centricity, and find the deeper meaning inherent in all things.

And so I meditate on this symbol to develop my inner sight, become conscious of my illusions, integrate my dreams, develop clarity and personal vision, align with universal consciousness, and balance the opposites within me. I wish for myself the same as I wish for others: to find a way to live for something greater than myself.

Not exactly easy to explain when people ask me “what’s that?”

I tell them I stare at it to manifest what I want.


I’ve Decided to Write a Book


I’ve Decided to Write a Book

Growing this idea from seed 🌱



I’m writing a memoir, of sorts, but the final product will be a work of fiction. It will be fiction because I feel a reader’s mind is more open when they’re not trying to accept everything as true. Fiction gives me permission to juice it up with magic. And finally, it protects my privacy (no way to know what bits are true 😉)


Using my journals, my memory, and various other means*, I will write little stories about life, told through the container of relationships, travel, work and adventure. Stories I will weave together to create a sexy story about a strong girl who saves herself (fuck you Disney🖕🏼), told from an intimate perspective. At the bones, it’s a story of personal transformation.


The writing will be poetic, and ripe with attitude, self-talk, insight and emotion, all of which change drastically as the main character is prompted to transform herself. It will move from disturbingly dark into the spiritual catapult that is healing. I will describe in vivid emotional detail the rocks she has crawled out from under - the how - and the situations that prompted her growth. The dialogue is largely internal, to capture how changing her mind: her beliefs, values, and actions, changed her entire life. It is meant to inspire, guide, and it will be feminine, intelligent, sharp, disturbing, and sexy, with lots of insight and even a little humour. Expect me to touch on vanity, the objectification of women, worldview, ethical subjugation, promiscuity, hope, eating disorders, corruption, spirituality and experiences of the mystical.



Most importantly I think these stories are relatable, and if someone relates I may have a chance of guiding them from darkness. Even one person is a win.


I’m writing because it’s time to let these memories go, but somewhere inside I feel it’s my duty to share, because of the potential to help others.


I believe I am here to contribute, to help, to do my piece in building the greater good. Presently, I can’t come up with a better contribution than digesting and sharing the wisdom I’ve gleaned through my experience of recovery. Not to mention how cathartic this process will be.


To move on, I have to let go; and to let go I need to share. These memories need to go to make space for what’s next⚡️💥.



Jealousy via comparison


It's really easy to judge the people I am jealous of.

Whether my judgments are correct is not even interesting.

What's interesting to me is where the desire to pass judgment is coming from. I see an opportunity to peer into my shadow.

I notice my malice and grab onto the thread to take me deeper within myself. It is an opportunity for inquiry. 

What feels better when I judge?

By judging those I am jealous of, what I am doing is attempting to tear down a 'taller tree'. I am trying to poke holes, make them out to be less, so I feel more equal.

In that I am able to notice something important. I'm unconsciously comparing myself to them. I've placed us in competition.

The truth is that someone else's shine does not negate my own.

By letting go of the need to compare, no competition can be had, and my jealousy dissolves. The seed of my jealousy is comparison. When I don't compare, the seed is never planted.

I focus instead on what's Good about me, on being my best self.

I practice letting go of comparison until it becomes habit. Until I smile when I see them, able to appreciate what it is I found amazing about them in the first place.

Let them be bright.

The world needs more light.

#comparison #competition #letgo #selfwork #shadowwork #jealousy #yogapractice





If I be myself

He will see me


If he doesn't

Let him go


If I want to be loved

for who I am

I have to be willing

to be real

More often

than I am safe.


More than I am politically correct

More than I am accommodating

More than I am what another wants

More often than these

I have to Be my Truth


Only then

Will what's mine come to me


To discern when he has

I have to be more concerned

with whether I like him

than I am

with wanting him to like me.


-self love speaks





Vanity is not safe with your heart.

It will judge it's shape and contours

Oblivious of substance

Blinded by conceit.

Vanity will eat you

and spit you out

without tasting.


Vanity is a runner

in a race

worthlessness is received

for winning.


Prop yourself up on your stilts of pride

over your:






How far you have to fall

is obvious to all

Knowing not

that low goals

keep you down.


Only those whose roots grow in




Do not depend

on comparison

to feel tall

to feel of value at all.

#vanity #pride #competition #selfrespect #selflove





 I have spent years now trying to find my purpose. To start living for real, choosing my direction, instead of reacting to what happens to me.

I have spent years getting out of the backseat of my life to grab hold of the wheel.

Now that I'm here, where am I going?

I'm not interested in steering myself towards material gain or popularity. Those are low goals. Motherhood appeals, but I can't escape the feeling I have something to do first. That right now, motherhood would be an escape.

The longer I stand with my hands on the wheel the stronger the signal is that I am not to drive at all.

That I am to suspend worldly (sensory) determination in order to allow what's within to come forward. The most important thing I can do, the greatest good I can accomplish in my life, will unfold by letting the divine live through me.

Easier said than done.

There is an impulse inside me that wants to share. An impulse that is backed by the feeling that through this my greatest potential will bloom.

An impulse that is constrained by my perfectionism and fear of judgment.

I am resistant to sharing.

I am afraid of being judged for what I say.

To be sure, it is not safe to speak, and it is certain I will face judgement. I cannot change this, and so I must accept it. The work is finding the courage to do it anyway.

Let them point out the ways in which I'm ignorant, bias, vain, arrogant, egoic or privileged.

Let me have enough restraint over my ego to consider whether they are right.

Let me let them fuel my growth, my Yoga practice.

Lately, I've been faced with my resistance to promoting myself. To opening up.

Writing is an outward pour, and the writing that makes me feel alive is when the content scares me to share.


So, to feel this aliveness I need to move past my blocks.

I need to get out the way of my flow.

To really get behind my work, to believe it in, I can't be doing it to achieve something. I can't be doing it with how it's going to be received, in mind. I can't be doing it for the fruits of my labor.

To write, I'm going to have to stop caring about the outcome. What it's going to be. What it's for. What it's purpose is. What people will think.

How do I do that?

I have to take my care, my attention, out of the future result, and invest it in what I'm doing now.

And so I practice taking my attention out of what will happen, and placing it in what is happening. Creating.

"Yoga attempts to create a state in which we are always present- really present- in every action, in every moment"

-T.K.V. Desikachar


Driven by 'Important'


Driven by 'Important'

My whole life I've been focused on pursuing what I believe is important.

Since I was young, games have annoyed me because of their frivolous nature. I see them as (albeit harmless) distractions.

What is the point? I ask. Why Is this important?

They're not, and so I brushed them aside. Looking for more, but not always finding something more important to do instead.

As I got older, and it came time to decide on what I would study at university, I dug deep. Connecting to my desire to understand universal laws. I didn't want to study something humans made up (economics), or look into the past. Seeing earth systems as the most "important" thing to know, I decided finally on the science of the environment.

I am driven to tackle what is important.

To my personality, anything less is a distraction.

In the climate of my mind, pursing anything less is cowering from my purpose.

I want to be of service to the highest good.

Don't get me wrong. I got all kinds of distracted along the way (sex, vanity, addiction) but I remained tethered to a greater sense of purpose.

Through studying environmental science, and my experiences working in industry, it became obvious that environmental problems stem from humans. From belief systems and values that do not align with universal laws.


It's at this point that I began to realize I had to deal with my own problems as a means of serving the highest good of all, for if each of us did this, the whole world would be changed.

The process of self change is not unlike washing a filthy rag over and over again. Each time removing an almost imperceptible amount of dirt. Results are perceived over time, as a result of small steps, taken consistently. There is no immediate gratification.

I wish I had started this (sharing) earlier. Chronicling the work, the shifts, the ways in which I changed my own mind, my own belief systems, that lead to my healing from mental illness. I was too ashamed of sharing my process when the outcome (healing) was unsure. I was afraid to fail publicly.

I was invested in the outcome. I was afraid of judgment.

These blocks are my battleground of late, but this work is what I believe now to be the most "important" thing I can be doing.

You are witness to my commitment to trying.



Deep Ecology


Where I live in Mexico, it's luxurious to have a washer and dryer. Hot water is not standard, and it's difficult to keep things functioning.

A layer of dust covers everything, always, and you're not the only being who lives in your house.

Geckos and their chirps, falling from the ceiling onto my face at night. Spiders like your palm, and coordinated ants, carting away anything that's died- sometimes just before they make that happen. Termites eat the walls, and try to make nests in my wardrobe.

There are butterflies to rescue and bees that come in tired crawling on the couch to sting my butt. Flies that touch you how you don't want to be touched and buzzing dragonflies that make the dogs bark.

Once an owl flew in, perched on our beam, and found its way out the back door. We spent the next half hour googling what that "meant".

So no, my house is not my own, and why should it be? They all have the same right to be alive, to be in any place. Just because humans are able to dominate, doesn't mean we should. It also doesn't mean I want a nest in my clothes.

And so I tell them we're roommates and only bother them if they bother me. What a mistake it is to see ourselves as superior when interdependence is what's real.

I let myself squirm, and cringe, and then I deal with it and move on. Ultimately I am grateful not to be living the sterile life. Ignorant of my separation from nature and surrounded by the artificial. Removed from consumeristic pressure, I understand my needs more clearly.

I'm grateful to be living closer to the land, closer to what's real.  Even if that means days without water in the taps and more frequent illness. Occupied with simplicity, I see my place in the world more clearly. I am amongst, not above.

Living in Mexico has been humbling.

What a gift to my growth witnessing my arrogance is.

#interdependence #simplicity #breakingdowntheego #gringadiaries #mexico


Who am I to teach Yoga?


Who am I to teach Yoga?


I never thought I'd teach, when I started practicing yoga.

The teachers displayed an easeful patience that I felt incapable of. I was often irritable and quick to anger.

When I started practicing yoga I looked down on the idea of being 'just' a fluffy bubble soft-skilled cooing yoga teacher. My ego was stronger then, than it is now, and it prevented me from valuing aspects of life accurately. My ego insisted I have a 'serious', 'important' career.  One that was scholarly, with capitalistic reward.

Yet as much as I looked down on the profession, I also felt I wasn't good enough, or healthy enough for it.

Yoga teachers seemed to enjoy interacting with lots of people, whereas I had difficulty showing up as my real (un-defended) self to connect. I avoided intimacy, mainly so the secret of my eating disorder wouldn't be discovered.

The truth is: when I started practicing yoga I was in crisis, where I lived for 12 years.

As such, I was too insane to arrogantly put myself in a position to guide others the way yoga teachers do. Where to, misery?

I had nothing figured out. In fact, I had learned a great many lessons incorrectly. Things I would have to recognize, unlearn, re-learn correctly, and crystallize through action, before I even so much as had my head on straight.

So no, I Most certainly did not consider I'd become a yoga teacher.

I was just barely surviving, and the state of creation the teachers demonstrated seemed foreign and impossible.

But I started from where I was with my practice, and I was open. Open to change, open to the unknown. I began from there and kept going. Beyond competitive impulses, I had no destination in mind. I had no idea where my practice would take me. I had no idea yoga would change the game entirely.

With practice, my attitude started to change, a sort of respect developed. Along with patience, clarity, and compassion. My hardened shell began to soften. Gradually I began to comprehend my life more correctly—with less distortion—and started to sense the existence of something that is higher than we are. A greater organizing power.

I would never have been able to accept this at the beginning of my practice, but the tides changed gradually. One step lead to the next, which is the only way it ever happens. Recovery from Bulimia was a natural blossoming of my yoga journey.

What started as a 2 hour time slot for exercise, grew to encompass all aspects of my life: my relationships, my behaviour, my health, and my thoughts. I still desire a career that I think is important, but what I value and believe is important has entirely changed.

"If you tell a person who cannot find their own house, that there is a pot of gold inside, they would be happier had they not had this information. What use is the gold if it cannot be found? It only causes pain. First they must find the house and enter it. Then, there are many possibilities."

Now I find myself committed to this path, not just because my ego likes to show off in pictures, but because I have tasted the freedom and clarity that come with greater understanding, and I am hungry for more.

Nowadays, my hesitations with teaching are different. Who am I to be teaching Yoga- Union with God? I am just me.

But I am reassured knowing that we are all students, we are here to help, and perfection is impossible and therefore irrelevant.

If by teaching I help one person take a step in the right direction, it is worth opening my mouth to share.

The intention with which you do things matters.


#playforreal #values #findyourhouse #Dharana #enterit #Dyana #mineforgold #Samadhi #prayer #breath #meditation #yoga #selfrealization #karma #patanjali #yogasutras #avidya #asmita #ego #correctcomprehension



Beauty Envy

Be objective about other women’s beauty.

You are not in competition. Her appearance doesn’t factor in to your self-worth. What someone else is, or isn’t, is not relevant to why you love yourself.

Your self-worth is an inside job.

It’s built from within and you keep it protected through your boundaries. You’ve explored who you are and know what makes you unique. You build upon your own strengths and celebrate seeing others do the same.

You know that being your best self — the best version of your uniqueness — is what makes you beautiful. You spend your energy where it counts — in developing yourself — not slaving away in front of a mirror to look like someone different than you are.

When you catch yourself feeling envious, you don’t indulge the envy, but you also don’t criticize yourself for feeling it.

Instead, you’ve learned how to transmute it through its opposite.

When you feel envy, you dig deeper to realize what’s really there — that you’re recognizing something you like in another (their beauty, in this example). If you like something, why is it you feel bad?

You send them appreciation for the quality you’ve recognized. You transmute the envy by choosing to be happy for them, even if it feels fake at first.

You transmute your envy by re-phrasing the situation.

You re-phrase by recognizing that if you feel envious of her, surely others do too. If you feel the urge to glare at her, you understand that others already are. You recognize that being the target of envy—and fielding its ugly treatment—must be difficult. You empathize with her suffering, and that changes your perspective. You don’t pity her for being beautiful, you’re just aware that the more perfect she looks, the less people want to like her. You feel mildly guilty for your unconscious response, which helps you choose to be kind.

You have found that when you are kind towards her, you feel better about yourself.

When you show her your heart through genuine appreciation instead of glaring at her, you are both buoyed by the positivity of the interaction. You feel stronger, because you didn’t allow your envy to diminish you.

You see your own beauty objectively.

You emphasize your favourite bits in a way that expresses who you are. No one else can be the particular type of beautiful that you are. Not even her.

You know that lamenting what you don’t have only brings you down, so you choose not to give yourself that experience. You know not to use the beauty of another as the counterpoint to your own, because you know it’s nonsensical to compare things that are different.

You know that her beauty does not diminish you — only your jealousy can do that.