Why Consent is the Wrong Question
The common dialogue in relation to sexual abuse often hinges around the question of consent. Essentially, whether both parties agreed to sexual contact or not.
Which begs the question: what exactly am I consenting to when I give consent?
What consent is:
Consent is agreeing to open myself to you
Consent means I want your affection, your attention, and your love
Consent is my decision to risk being vulnerable with you
Consent means I want us to be connected
Consent means I am willing to entrust my body to you
Consent means I want to please and be pleased
Consent is conditional on your treatment of me
What consent is not:
Consent is not a vehicle for your self-gratification through dominance and control
Consent does not permit the immobilization of my head as I perform oral sex, until the back of my throat is bruised
Consent does not permit you to choke me or hit me
Consent does not authorize sodomy without discussion
Consent does not mean you can be unconcerned with the physical or emotional pain inflicted in the process of satiating yourself
Consent is not an agreement to be a slave to your sadistic appetites- porn is not real life
Good sex is the art of controlled abandon, which is not accomplished by tuning me out until you’ve finished. This only shows you’re trying to keep yourself ignorant to how I feel about what you’re doing to me. The way to know if I’m okay with what’s happening is to stay connected with me. If you tune me out, you tune out the answer.
Letting someone into your home does not permit them to rob you. Sexual consent works the same way. Instead of asking after consent, maybe the better question is: “What happened next?”