Why Consent is the Wrong Question

The common dialogue in relation to sexual abuse often hinges around the question of consent. Essentially, whether both parties agreed to sexual contact or not.

Which begs the question: what exactly am I consenting to when I give consent?


What consent is:

Consent is agreeing to open myself to you

Consent means I want your affection, your attention, and your love

Consent is my decision to risk being vulnerable with you

Consent means I want us to be connected

Consent means I am willing to entrust my body to you

Consent means I want to please and be pleased

Consent is conditional on your treatment of me


What consent is not:

Consent is not a vehicle for your self-gratification through dominance and control

Consent does not permit the immobilization of my head as I perform oral sex, until the back of my throat is bruised

Consent does not permit you to choke me or hit me

Consent does not authorize sodomy without discussion

Consent does not mean you can be unconcerned with the physical or emotional pain inflicted in the process of satiating yourself

Consent is not an agreement to be a slave to your sadistic appetites- porn is not real life


Good sex is the art of controlled abandon, which is not accomplished by tuning me out until you’ve finished. This only shows you’re trying to keep yourself ignorant to how I feel about what you’re doing to me. The way to know if I’m okay with what’s happening is to stay connected with me. If you tune me out, you tune out the answer.

Letting someone into your home does not permit them to rob you.  Sexual consent works the same way. Instead of asking after consent, maybe the better question is: “What happened next?”